Don't look at me

This is my entry for =jennyleigh's Inner Demon contest. This is merely one of the sides of inner demons that I intend to enter. There is one more, which will be more of one of rage. The picture and extra story are full of meanings as well on how this is a inner demon of myself. Please read all of the description to understand fully.

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What the inner demon is

This inner demon is one of submissiveness, low self-esteem, loneliness, pain and weakness.
My weak, pitiful side.
She is the side that allows harsh mental treatment, yet does not say anything about the pain then merely on how sorry she is about being unhelpful and a burden. Even though others are a burden to her. Never does she stand up for herself since she believes she is worthless/useless. Feels horrible and ugly to herself, which is another reason she always says she is sorry, verbally or mentally. Easily puts the blame to herself and is never able to share her feelings since she know she is alone and always will be.

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Story


Uneven clicks across the stone seemed to sound through the broken hall, yet like the once grand place they were of a broken being. Always hiding, deep in the depths of the ancient kingdom.

"Don't, Don't look at me. Please, just don't." Came the raspy voice cracking like a dried riverbed. She was speaking to the ghosts that always haunted her, whispering through her mind as she had caused them all so much problems. "I'm sorry, please. Oh please, don't look at me." Whimpers cascaded against the old stone in elevating tones, filled to the brim with pain.

Blood dried against most surfaces, bright red with hardly any brown diluting the horror of the sight. Another curse brought to the poor soul, seeing the day of death once more.

The citizens of the fort's town did not believe the whisperings going through the chambers of the fort, for they were just common folk of course. They said that a magical horse had been brought to deeper halls of the fort to protect them all from the oncoming war in their small country. Some believed it was a grand unicorn, but others thought it was a normal horse.

Yet, there was a horse. Not a unicorn as many had hoped but another kind, one that never truly existed. Possibly the only one, for really the mare was just a horse with a gift it seemed. A gift to never seeming to die.

Ugly beast, monster. They called her, not one looking at the mare more then just a piece of armor. Unimportant in many ways, and nothing close as grand as a unicorn. Quite the opposite she was, being deformed just enough to resemble a horse for some. Ugly she was to all eyes, all of hatred a none of kindness. And she knew.

Sorry she was, for being such a burden to those kind people. That were her thoughts, always did she think 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!' For being ugly and unhelpful like the other horses...That is what she thought. Sadly, everyone seemed to agree in their own way that she was right. The only reason they had kept her, was for their own selfish protection.

Then the day had come, news of armies marching their way caused everyone to become panicked and fearful. Battle preparing, prayers and hopes on their horse increased. The Count spent many of his hours in the mare's chamber.. Repeating the same sentence over and over again.

'You thing must protect us, for we brought your ugly worthless self in here! Be grateful you wretch!'

When the battles begun, the gloom was thick in the air. And soon into the battle, it was clear that they had a great disadvantage. Almost all of their soldiers were already dead and enemies storming the halls.

"You! You were supposed to protect us! You, You!" Screeched the leader's voice as he lurched forward toward the mare, she jumped back in fright at the sight of the man. Panic, fear and desperation filled his expression that it made her fearful as well as to what was to come. "You--"

Doors burst open from some remaining soldiers, grasping at the leader before catching sight of her. Screams and yells or horror could still be heard echoing through the chamber long after. Their hurried footsteps out of that room ran themselves right into spears.

The entire fort was wiped out within hours.


Bodies had long ago decomposed, not even the curse could stop already deceased bodies from doing that. What was left was dirty, fragile bones. Arranged exactly how they the people they had been had died. None had been moved or touched from any outside being or force. She made sure that she at least never stepped upon their dead bones. Never they seemed like bones to her, yet still the slowly dying people they were. Gulping for air and choking on their own blood from torn throats. Groaning from pieces guts or sliced off legs. The list was almost endless.

Walking the halls seemed to be the only thing to do to the mare, going into the wild never crossed her mind. This seemed to be her home, no matter how far the walls crumbled.

The courtyard seemed her normal destination, broken and deformed body sidling up by the walls with longing eyes toward all the bones splayed across the dusty ground.

"I'm sorry....I'm sorry..."

Cracked and blown out hooves carry her back toward her chamber. Wincing as she passed the guards, grasping at their chests where blood was spilling across the floor. Their screams of horror of her still rung through the mare's ears.

Slower than her normal crawl, she approached a certain skeleton. There laid the Count. Perfectly with his arms as his sides, ragged breathing escaping his ripped to shreds chest. He knew death was coming, and did not fight it like others had done.

Dark eyes, always seeming to glare up at her as she stood over his now also broken body. Neck curling toward the dying man, her lips brushed over his forehead. Almost in a affectionate manner, which infuriated him. As it always did. "Y-you horrible creatur--." The words were released as growls before they were followed by whispers.

"--protect us....yo-you...Thing."

Leaving the depressing scene behind, Thing repeated the sequence all over again. Heading back toward the courtyard. Once again, as always..

"Sorry, so sorry..."

Sorry she forever was, for being a burden. For not able to help those who never truly cared for her. Forever she was going to be, forever trapped in her own past.

"I'm sorry."


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Meanings

Ugliness/Deformed Body = The low pride and self-esteem for self.

Not able to die = Forever burdened with pain

Broken and old fort = Shows that the shield that holds this demon is broken and is still able show itself.

Supposed to protect people = The feeling of have to protect friends and other people, even without ever getting any relief in return.

Everyone dying/always being sorry = Placing all blame on self for everything, though not self’s fault.

Always seeing the dead dying = Always reminded of the pain of being and having failure.

Cruelty of the people = How not feeling like anyone cares for wellbeing and mental state.

Her always wandering forever = How pitiful it is not being able to let go of the past.

Saying don't look at me = Shameful of self, greatly.

I think that is it....There are a lot of implying things in both things.

Lack of color = No real or true happiness.

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A word to people, no I am not depressed. This is just sometimes how I feel, and it's so pitifully painful too.

Disabling comments though, don't want to listen to crap.

(Yes, the horse is supposed to be ugly, if ya didn't already know.)


Art&Horse&Story (C) Mackenzie Childers [Demon1xo]
Contest (C) =jennyleigh